Pet Loss: When Your Child Loses a Pet
by Anne Black, Ph.D.
What you most want your child to discover is that EVERYTHING in life can be shared and discussed within your family.
Having a pet one minute and losing a pet the next is how many children learn about death. As your child learns that life is impermanent and changes—and so do feelings—losing a cherished pet can become a powerful teacher. A pet's death can show your child that even when life changes, your family comes together-rather than pulling apart in distance and silence. Most children are naturally curious about death. Talking about death can be intimate to share with your child. As such, the loss of a pet is a golden opportunity to explore the questions that may arise in your child's mind. Honestly answering each question to the best of your ability shows your child you are available and can be trusted. What a valuable realization for your child to discover that you are comfortable, willing and able to discuss anything. Additionally, a pet's death gives your child an opportunity to develop an emotional language.
Emotional literacy is not magically learned. Emotional learning grows out of being guided inward to explore the inner landscape. As a child discovers a larger range of human emotions, having words to identify a specific sensation is important. Even very young children feel sad when they no longer have a special pet. As children grow older, their emotional language can grow to distinguish between the feelings of love, sadness, guilt, regret, relief, fear and gratitude. Mastering a set of cognitive concepts is another learning opportunity the death of a pet offers children. Something dead no longer breathes, or eats, or moves or plays. As children move through their magical thinking stage, they learn that, unlike some cartoon character, death is final. When speaking with children about death, use the words dead, died and dying rather than went to sleep or went away or God took him to heaven. The latter expressions can be confusing to children who are very literal. One child when told God had taken his dead cat asked, "What would God want with a dead cat?" Learn to trust your child's instincts, curiosity, love and preferences.
Most children are clear about what they want to know and what they are ready to understand. Like adults, children will have different ways to respond to a loss. Let your child take the lead. Children generally know with whom they can confide and what helps them integrate change. Believe in your child's wisdom. If your child wants to touch the pet after it has died, that is okay—unless, of course, the pet is diseased. Even so, affirm your understanding in the child's desire to touch the pet, and how under ordinary circumstance a loving caress would be okay. A child's love for a pet does not stop after death. Feeling the physical changes of a dead animal gives children helpful information, information that allows the child to discover death is final and a dead body feels different than a living one. Your child may want to spend some time alone with your pet and say goodbye in way that is unique. Respectfully ask if your child wants to be alone with your pet, or if it is okay for you to be there, too. Let your child know you value his desire and have confidence that he will do what will help him heal and process this loss. If your child chooses to walk away, that is okay. Some children process life's changes internally: that is just their style. You may want to gently engage a child with something like, "I really miss Meow when I'm reading in bed at night and he doesn't come in and lick my cheek and snuggle with me. What do you miss?" Some children need help to identify what they are feeling. Planning a simple good-bye service for a pet can be a helpful way to express your love, appreciate your pet, tell stories and create a meaningful ceremony for everyone. Brainstorm with your child and discuss possible ways to design a service that includes everyone who wants to be involved. After saying farewell to your pet, decide how you will handle the body of your pet. Will you gently wrap your pet's body in lovely fabric and bury it at a spot in your backyard? Will you ask your veterinarian to have your pet's body cremated and return the ashes to you? What will be done with the pet's cremains? Who will be invited to attend the goodbye gathering? When will the goodbye gathering be held? What will the gathering be like?How to plan a child-centered memorial service for a beloved pet
The ideas that follow are only suggestions and possibilities. Let your own creative juices flow in the design of a service that suits your family, neighbors and friends. Involve your child in the planning of this service. A special gathering will give concrete ways to express love and sadness. Note: all emotions are permitted when there is a loss-even the big, powerful feelings. If you are uncomfortable with your child's powerful emotions, take a deep breath, send them love and be there for them. If your child's behavior continues to be aggressive or volatile consult a child therapist who specializes in grief reactions, because most likely the loss has triggered other issues. Some simple pet loss service ideas:
1) Invite each person coming to the service to write a tribute to your pet that can be shared during the ceremony or kept private, if that is preferred.
2) Light a candle and state: "The light from this candle represents the loving part of _____ and the joy s/he brought into our family and neighborhood. Even though the body of ______ has stopped functioning, (his or her) love will never stop. ______'s love will always be felt in our hearts. And for this love we are all grateful." Note: When the time comes to blow out the candle, acknowledge that even though the light may leave, _______'s love will never leave us.
3) Each person can have a small candle that is lit from the larger candle representing that each person, at some point, lit a love light with the special pet.
4) Tell stories about the pet. Stories can be funny, serious, or sad. Any story is okay. Each person has had his or her own unique relationship with the pet.
5) You may want to invite each person to draw a picture of what will always be remembered about this pet. At the goodbye service each person, if they are willing, can share the drawing and what the images on the picture mean. The pictures could all be put together to form a paper quilt.
6) Decide on a special meal or food to share after the service. There may be a food that has significance for this pet. Perhaps your pet ate a pumpkin pie one Thanksgiving-or once got sick on a piece of chocolate cake left on the counter. Trust your collective memories and create a meal to commemorate your pet.
The loss of a pet gives parents a chance to create a legacy that embraces not only the joyous times in life, but also the times of sorrow. Honoring the life of a deceased pet conveys to your child that life is precious and you, as a family, consciously pause to honor and appreciate the contribution each living being brings to our lives. Sad as the death of a pet is—when your child is part of a family that comes together to comfort, to support, to share, to remember, to laugh, to cry and to heal—an awareness develops in your child that even the tough times in life will be acknowledged and embraced. When your child is held with compassion and respect, while going through the storms of life, they are given a priceless gift.
Anne Black, Ph.D. holds a doctoral degree in thanatology and community psychology, a master's in elementary education and certificates of study in the art therapies. In addition to developing death education curriculi and training professionals, in 1996 Dr. Black founded Comfort Baskets, Inc. in Brattleboro, Vermont to offer healing condolence resources for children, women, and men who have lost a loved one—or a pet.
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