Comfort Baskets®

Caring for yourself as you grieve during the holiday season...

The first holiday without dad, mom, or a special loved one can be a challenging time as their presence is missed. Coupled with feeling their absence, holiday activity can be tough on a grieving heart. The hustle and bustle of the season, the long list of things to do and the expectations from the past can feel overwhelming you're adjusting to living without a cherished loved one. How can you gently care for yourself amid the merriment of mistletoe and tinsel when your heart feels open and raw?

The first thing to know is that an open and raw heart is a precious gift. This open state may not feel particularly good, and there may be periods of tears associated with it, but an open heart holds the potential to move you toward a deeper connection with yourself. If you are able to slow down a bit more than usual energy ways to flow when the uncomfortable feelings surface, you will be engaging with your unique healing process. Actually, what is occurring is an opening and an opportunity to enter the laboratory of your inner world.

Moving through the holidays in mourning can be harder for some people than others. As such, it is your responsibility to honor your unique process. Listed below are some suggested ways to create a healing context for your grief during the holidays. Take what resonates and disregard the rest. This list is merely intended to set a loving tone for the many ways you can gently support yourself and surround yourself with those who will strengthen your resolve to engage with the holiday season, when appropriate, while honoring kind ways to care for yourself.

1) Be Gentle with Yourself. Just like you watch the speedometer on your car, watch your energy level. When your energy is low, slow down. When your body is tired - rest. When you want to be alone - find a place of solace. When you are lonely - reach out to the right person. Don't ask more of yourself than you can comfortably and joyously manage.

 Everyone at Comfort Baskets is committed to developing new products to give people tools and resources to help them find their way through their individual responses to loss. Please visit us at www.comfortbaskets.com. We welcome any feedback you might have for us.

2) Nurture Yourself. Create an oasis for yourself, a place to relax, to retreat and to reflect. Pamper yourself with a bubble bath, massage, manicure or a walk in the woods. Read inspirational material that connects you with a loving place in your heart.

3) KISS - Keep It Simple, Sweetheart. Re-examine traditions, and see which ones work for you this year. Which traditions can you let go of this year? Now is the time to reduce stress. Consider shopping in your own home this year and look for things in your home to give to your loved ones. Perhaps think about each person on your holiday list and then take a walk through your home and select a book, a family heirloom a special treasure that you are ready to give away with a full and loving heart. Cut back on baking cookies, gift giving, social events and other obligations. You do not need to strive for House Beautiful to create a warm, loving environment. Candles work wonders!

4) Express Emotions. Be aware of your feelings - all of them. Many people are afraid of their feelings because they don't know what to do when they surface. The feelings of grief are just energy that wants to move - energy that wants to come out of the body or transform in some way. It is our responsibility to take action and move the energy. How do we move energy?

5) Move the Feelings of Grief. When grief (love) is felt it just wants to flow. Here are two powerful ways to move the feelings of grief:

  a.) Physically move the feelings by chopping wood, swimming, yoga, aikido, walking, crying. A word about crying: tears are a natural way to help us heal. Be grateful if you are able to cry. Crying means that your emotions are not frozen, but instead you are fully alive and experiencing an open heart.

  b.) Creatively move the feelings as you write in your journal; where appropriate express your feelings to friends and family as you write your holiday cards. Write a poem, draw a picture, engage in a woodworking or art project, dance wildly to release the feelings, or sing songs that connect you with the love.

6) Surround Yourself with Comfort People. Comfort people are those who are at ease with your grief. They do not rush to rescue you or cheer you up. They honor where you are and they are able to be in that place with you. Comfort people have journeyed into their own grief and know it is not something to be avoided.

7) Avoid Stressful Environments. Especially during the early phases of grief, there is frequently a desire to retreat from the material world while you are still open to the spiritual connection with your eternal loved one. Stressful places will cause you to erect walls to protect your heart.

8) HALT - Don't let yourself become hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Eat well, get plenty of rest, spend time with your comfort people and find healthy ways to express anger if it surfaces.

9) Be in the Moment. Many people are discovering that the most peaceful place to be during times of grief is in the present moment. In the present, the mind is not stuck on dwelling in the past, nor chewing on what the future will hold without the loved one. Sometimes the simple gesture of taking a deep breath and focusing on that breath can bring you into the moment.

10) Live in Gratitude. Review your blessings. Receive with an open heart. Be grateful for the relationship you have with your eternal loved one.

11) Create Meaningful Ceremonies. You may want to hang your loved one's Christmas stocking and invite each family member to write a memory on a piece of paper and place it inside the stocking. You may want to decorate a bottle and transform it into a special memory candle that can be lit and placed on the holiday table. If there are children in the family, you may want to give them bottles of bubble and go outside and blow loving wishes and thoughts to the loved one.

12) Explore creating an anniversary celebration. When family and friends gather, you may want to discuss ways to further honor the love and help the entire family remain open to the love. Brainstorm ways to celebrate the first anniversary of your loved one's passing.

Above all, trust yourself. Phenomenal wisdom lives within you. Trust it. You know what you need and when you need it. Come to believe in your ability to access your own sage wisdom.

About Dr. Anne Black

Dr. Anne Black holds a doctoral degree in thanatology (the study of death, dying and grieving) and has dedicated her life to bringing comfort and rays of light to those going through the dark night of their souls. Honoring the unique journey each person will make when a loved one dies, Dr. Black understands and respects the different ways people process their losses. It doesn’t seem to matter the ago of a person or their background, people keep turning to Dr. Black because she is pioneering new ways to help people grieve. Dr. Black believes that adversity can be the key to help us discover greater meaning in our lives - and bring us into a deeper connection with ourselves and others.