Dealing with Grief: A Basic Primer
by Anne Black, Ph.D.
Grief wears different faces. Learning to recognize these different faces takes practice. For some people, grief reactions are externally displayed.
For some people, there may be a need to keep busy to prevent feeling. For some people, there can be a strong impulse to create a legacy in memory of a loved one. For some people, there can be overt anger towards life—or God. For some people, living just stops and there is a sense of immobilization. And for some people, grief can feel like walking through the dark night of their soul—as they are pulled inward.
Grief can also take on different faces within the inner world of a person. Sometimes a wave of grief comes out of nowhere. Sometimes it feels like a 300-pound weight is bearing down on our chest and there is tightness in the throat. Sometimes there is a malaise and life loses its luster. Sometimes tears flow in response to a song, a thought, a memory, or a word. Sometimes fatigue and depression covers us like a thick fog. Sometimes we find ourselves reliving conversations and times shared with another. Sometimes a heaviness sits on our chest, and it's difficult to take a deep breath. Sometimes anger lurks just beneath our skin. Sometimes we lack energy to do the needful tasks in our life. And sometimes we are opened to a deeper awareness of our self and life. So how do we care for ourselves in healthy ways when one or more of these symptoms are present? It's helpful to remember that following a loss, the entire organism of a person (their mind, their emotions, their body, their physiology, their whole being, and their world) is reorganizing itself. This reorganization process takes time—and a lot of energy.
Listed below are some caring ways you can help yourself while you are adjusting to changes in your life and support your healing process: Embrace the silence. Emotional and mental work is required to grieve. This work can sometimes deplete the body more than rigorous physical activity. Giving yourself the gift of time to rest, to relax and to reflect (on the loving exchanges-not the regrets) can speed up the healing process. Rest guilt free and know that you are extending a loving gesture to yourself each time you bring peace and calm into your life. Be gentle with yourself. Ease up on your expectations of what you should be doing while adjusting to life without a significant person. Take people up on their offers to help. Accepting help does not mean you are weak or flawed. On the contrary, you are just someone who is grieving and benefiting from some extra help to have time to care for yourself. Open the floodgates. If you are able to cry, consider yourself blessed. Tears indicate your emotions are not frozen. Should tears surface during inappropriate times, promise you'll let them flow at home or with someone you trust and is comfortable being with your feelings. Some people are able to cry in the shower, while others let the tears leak out while listening to sad music or watching a sad movie. Whatever your style let the tears flow and the energy of grief to be released.
Move your body. Grief is energy: energy that needs to be moved. There are many ways to physically move the body to release grief. Some ways to release this grieving energy include: taking a brisk walk, chopping wood, screaming into a towel (to not distress others), aerobic exercise, yoga or swimming. It may take awhile for the body to be ready for these physical activities. Monitor yourself. If more stamina is required, wait awhile and try again later.
Creatively release energy. Creativity is another potent way for grieving energy to come out of your body. Poetry, sculpting, painting, singing, quilting and woodworking are examples of creative endeavors that help us directly connect with the feelings of grief-a and give these emotions an outlet. One does not need to be skilled in any of the arts to derive benefit from this approach. Even drawing stick figures can help tell your story and tap into the feelings of loss-and love. Watch your thoughts. Carefully observe what you are thinking. As a grieving mind rewires what has occurred, many thoughts surface to be processed. Just like you monitor your speedometer to know how fast you are driving, monitor your thoughts to discover what you are thinking. Are more flowers or weeds growing in the garden of your mind? Remember: You are the captain who is poised at the control panel of your mind. You have the ability to change thoughts that are causing disturbance. May your thoughts blossom into beautiful creations. Nurture yourself. In addition to rest-good nutrition, fresh air, exercise and surrounding yourself with beauty and peace is a recipe to maximize healing. Soothing baths, a serene massage, peaceful music, a gentle manicure, curling up with a book that speaks to your heart. Creating a calm, healing environment where you are surrounded by things that truly nourish you in healthy ways sends a powerful message to your psyche.
Establish your support team. Make a list of people who can help you stay open to the best parts of yourself while grieving. These are the people you will want to contact frequently. Some people have an uncanny ability to soothe and calm us, others to make us laugh, those with whom we can cry, while we look to others to help us intelligently process important decisions. Choose these people wisely, as they will determine how deeply and consciously you will grieve. Let inspiration fill you. When your heart breaks open following a loss, there can frequently be a deep yearning to nourish an inner longing—a soul hunger. Reach for whatever touches you in the depth of your heart—a passage from the Bible, Qur'an or Torah, poetry, spending time in nature, beautiful music that moves you deeper. Let yourself be filled with the awe of life, the love of the Divine and whatever rings of Truth to your soul.
As you open your heart to feeling the pain of letting go of someone you deeply love, may you also open your heart to feeling deep compassion and love for yourself. Gently be with yourself and honor your unique process. Soothe the tender part of your being that longs for softness and kindness. Give to yourself from a place of unconditional love and care.Know within every fiber of your being that everything you need to move through this time of transition is with in you. Slow down—listen—and respond to the call of your heart. Let your heart be your guide. This wise, knowing part of yourself can be trusted. You can survive this challenging time. In fact, when you do the needful work and keep your heart open as you go through the adjustment period, you can even thrive, though that may be hard to imagine now. Just trust your process and keep taking care of yourself, and know that sorrow and joy are at opposite ends of this dance through life. As each and every emotion surfaces, choreograph just the right steps to be authentically in each moment. Always, always, always keep your heart open—no matter how much pain you feel—and trust your innate wisdom to help guide the way toward your healing.
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